


Unresolved Issues

by JealousMary



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Love/Hate, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-21 01:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10674606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JealousMary/pseuds/JealousMary
Summary: L is still trying to figure out whether Light is Kira or not. Meanwhile, both of them grow attached to one another. The conflict between emotions and suspicions results in a challenging conversation.





	Unresolved Issues

**Author's Note:**

> This doesn`t belong to any particular moment in the anime. Actually, though the story takes place in the skyscraper built for the anti-Kira unit, in my mind this happens before Light lost his memories rather than after he regained them.

Light leaned against the back of his chair, trying to supress a heavy sigh. His muscles were aching from the stiff position in front of the computer he`d been in. Light threw a side glance at Ryuzaki. He was sitting in his usual odd manner and didn`t show any signs of exhaustion. Light often wondered whether Ryuzaki ever slept and ate anything apart from the endless cakes. Any normal human being would`ve been killed by such a lifestyle, but L, of course, wasn`t going to give Kira a victory this easy. If only Light knew his name…

 

The most excruciating thing was the fact that Light could find it out in mere seconds if he agreed to reducing his remaining life by a half. It was tempting, and it often seemed like the deal was worth it. However, Light returned Ryuk`s countless tempting propositions with a flat “no”. There had to be another way. Especially now, when Ryuzaki turned out to be stupid enough to call Light his friend. Even if it was his planned move, a provocation to make Light show emotion, it still put L into a vulnerable position. He felt something; Light didn`t and that protected him.

 

Didn`t he? When he heard “Light-kun is the first friend I ever had”, something made his heart ache just for a brief moment. Was it pity for Ryuzaki, alone and never understood due to his brilliance? Was it realization that Light himself had no true friends? He couldn`t possibly risk trusting anyone with his secret, Misa made him feel nothing but annoyance and he constantly kept in mind to be cautious of Ryuk. No one could possibly know shinigami`s real thoughts and motives. Even when he was friendly, he wasn`t a friend.

 

That left Ryuzaki. Maybe his suggestion wasn`t that absurd, after all? At the moment, Light had no other friend than an enemy. The situation was laughable but dangerous. Light was walking on a very thin line anyway, he knew he couldn`t afford to soften towards the man whose sole intention was to see him executed.

 

Light looked at Ryuzaki again. The bags under his eyes seemed even bigger than usual, and, if Light didn`t know him for quite a while, he`d expect him to collapse any moment. Muttering something about the need to stretch his limbs, Light got up and went to the kitchen. Watari was busy somewhere else, so nobody was here to regularly bring Ryuzaki his snacks.

 

“It`s not like lack of candy is gonna kill him and clear my way,” Light told Ryuk, who observed him making tea with obvious amusement. “Therefore, no reason not to bring him something to chew on. Maybe he`ll even be impressed and alleviate his suspicions about me being Kira.”

 

“Yeah, well, one can hope,” replied Ryuk sarcastically. “From where I`m standing, looks like you`re growing rather fond of him.”

 

“Don`t be ridiculous,” Light scoffed, pouring tea into two cups and making sure Ryuzaki`s had a huge amount of sugar in it. “I just play along to make him believe me.”

 

“Well, you`re doing it very thoroughly. You bothered to remember exactly how many pieces of sugar he usually takes.”

 

“It`s useful to observe and notice… things,” Light started to feel annoyed.

 

“Things,” Ryuk repeated musingly. “Interesting. Of all ‘things’ you could`ve learned here, you payed attention to L`s eating habits,” he laughed in the way Light hated the most.

 

“What`re you saying, Ryuk?!”

 

“Priorities.”

 

Light took a deep breath. It was all a result of spending too much time alongside Ryuzaki. But just becoming used to his constant presence didn`t mean he cared in the slightest.

 

“Think whatever you like,” he shrugged and, followed by Ryuk`s snickering, walked back to the computer room, carrying the two mugs with him.

 

Light wasn`t even surprised to see that Ryuzaki had barely moved. His eyes pierced the screen as if he could see something behind it if he tried hard enough.

 

“I made us tea,” said Light gently, stepping closer to Ryuzaki.

 

Ryuzaki visibly winced, clearly having been deep in thought.

 

“Tea?” he looked at the offered cup with genuine surprise.

 

“And some crackers. You look like you need to eat something. Anything.”

 

“Thank you, Light-kun,” Ryuzaki still sounded taken aback when he carefully took the steaming mug. For a moment his fingers brushed against Light`s.

 

“To be honest, I could use a break,” Light didn`t lie about this; he was really tired. “I mean, it`s past midnight. Let`s call it a day, Ryuzaki. We won`t progress if we can barely stay awake.”

 

“You may be right,” solemnly nodded Ryuzaki, much to Light`s surprise. “A bit of rest is not a bad idea.”

 

“Well, goodnight then.”

 

Light already turned to leave, but Ryuzaki`s voice stopped him.

 

“Light-kun, I`m going to the rooftop. You can join me if you wish.”

 

Light froze in his tracks, gathering his thoughts together. It wouldn`t be too suspicious if he refused given his previous remark about being tired, but… This was unusual of Ryuzaki, to suggest spending time together off-work. The only occasion they did so before was the tennis match, but then again, Light still had no idea what its true goal was. Rooftop, on the other hand, sounded pretty innocent. Even L couldn`t turn observing the sky into an attempt to get Light to admit being Kira. Or maybe he could, but Light hoped that Ryuzaki would rather open up himself, spill some precious bits of information. That was an opportunity too rare to miss.

 

“I`d love to,” Light smiled. “I`ve always been kinda a stargazer.”

 

“Me, too,” Ryuzaki said quietly and a bit reluctantly. “So, shall we?”

 

Light could only wonder what was on his mind and stare at Ryuzaki`s slightly crouched back as they ascended the stairs leading to the roof.

 

The night was chilly but pleasant. The fresh cool air made Light`s head spin after the suffocating warmth of the building. For a few seconds they both just stood, breathing it in, in total silence. Ryuzaki`s figure seemed to blur, obscured by the dark sky, even though he stood only a few feet away from Light. He, for once, straightened up, dropping his usual slouching posture.

 

“It feels nice, doesn`t it?” Ryuzaki whispered, and Light couldn`t help agreeing.

 

Thanks to the height of the building, few lights of the city reached its top, and they were able to see more stars than one could ever expect in an urban area. The sky spread out above their heads, infinite and mesmerizing. Light`s neck soon started to hurt from keeping his head raised, but he couldn`t look away from it.

 

Much to Light`s surprise, in the middle of the roof he saw a small table and a couple of chairs. They brought tea and crackers along, so Ryuzaki carefully placed both of their mugs there.

 

“I come here rather often,” he explained at the Light`s look of bewilderment. “Sometimes with Watari, but generally on my own.”

 

“Don`t you feel lonely?” asked Light before he had a chance to stop himself. It was normal to come with L to the rooftop, whether for Light Yagami or Kira, but sympathizing him should`ve been out of question. However, it wasn`t, and it bothered Light more than he was willing to admit.

 

“No, actually,” Ryuzaki raised his eyebrows. “On the contrary, it makes me peaceful. Puts me at ease.”

 

“So, I`m disrupting your solitude?” Light became slightly confused.

 

Ryuzaki paused for several seconds before answering.

 

“Normally you would be. But somehow, I… don`t mind your presence.”

 

Light could hear Ryuk`s laughter in his head, even though the shinigami remained silent and even unseen at the moment. Despite himself, he knew these words meant something to him.

 

“Well, that`s good,” he hoped that didn`t come out too hoarsely. “I`m glad to hear it, Ryuzaki.”

 

They stared into each other`s eyes for way too long before Light managed to get a grip on himself.

 

“The tea will get cold,” drawing his eyes away, he lowered himself into the chair.

 

Ryuzaki took the other one, positioning it so he would sit not directly across Light, but rather closer to his side. 

 

Sipping his tea absent-mindedly, Light stared into the distance. The endless city lied beneath, a sea of glimmering lights and distant noises. They were right in the middle of it, yet it seemed miles away. It was almost like nothing else but this rooftop actually existed.

 

Ryuzaki had his feet on the chair, as usual, but his pose looked less shut out and defensive than usually. He gazed at the stars, mouth slightly open, fingers restlessly tapping on the mug.

 

Light had to remind himself that they, no matter what, were not friends. From this roof he could see the world that was already changing, becoming purer because of Kira. Soon enough, as he hoped, peace, justice, prosperity would spread into every corner of the human race due to his work. No one was allowed to stop it. Not even L, no matter how friendly the pretence around him had to be.

 

“You know, Light-kun,” said Ryuzaki softly, “I wish we could stay here for longer.”

 

“Me, too.”

 

As if the place changed anything, and here and now they could be something else apart from archenemies. Still, Light shared Ryuzaki`s sentiment. At the very least, this moment was, indeed, peaceful.

 

Feeling a sudden rush, Light stood up and walked to the edge of the roof. Somehow he was able to tell that Ryuzaki followed him even without looking back. He stopped just a foot away from the scary void beneath. Every sound suddenly disappeared except for his uneven breath and Ryuzaki’s calm one.

 

“Sometimes,” Light shuddered, startled by Ryuzaki’s sudden voice, “I don’t get Kira. I mean, his motivation to cleanse the world is clear but there are so many... details he misses, lost in his grand picture of the perfect future. So many people he kills wrongly. If to be abstract, I’d call him a very confused, disturbed and unhappy person.”

 

Light clenched his teeth. It was a provocation, no doubt, and he was determined not to give L the response he desired.

 

“Well, I guess he could be mentally unstable,” he lied. “We’ll know when we catch him.”

 

“Yeah,” agreed Ryuzaki evenly.

 

Then suddenly he placed a hand on Light’s back, not pushing but pressing firmly. Light shivered – what was he thinking? Ryuzaki’s warm hand felt quite nice in contrast with the cool wind, but, being this close to the edge, Light couldn’t care less.

 

“W-what are you doing, Ryuzaki?” he tried to stay calm but panic threatened to consume him.

 

“If I push you off the roof,” Ryuzaki said so neutrally as if he wasn’t considering ending Light’s life, “and you are Kira, I’ll win this case. If you’re not, I’ll just turn into a murderer myself. I wonder what I should do.”

 

Light now trembled all over and was almost ready to plead, the only thing to stop him being his pride. He briefly looked down at the street below and instantly regretted it – the awful distance made him sweaty and weak at his knees. He couldn’t die like this. There had to be a way to talk Ryuzaki out of it. However, all he managed to blurt out was a somewhat desperate:

 

“So, what will you do?”

 

“The only thing I know for sure,” the pressure on his back intensified, and Light barely restrained himself from crying out, “is that if I do this, I’ll lose the only person capable of understanding me.”

 

Before Light even had time to breathe in, Ryuzaki’s arms circled around his waist, hugging him from behind, clutching in a hold so secure that Light wouldn’t fall even if he wanted to. Ryuzaki moved closer, pressing his chest against Light’s back.

 

“You didn’t kill me,” Light couldn’t hide a nervous laugh of relief.

 

“And maybe I’ll regret it... someday. But I couldn’t. No matter whether you’re Kira or not,” Ryuzaki’s hold tightened, and Light found himself unconsciously relaxing into the touch.

 

It was too weird, too hard for Light to rationalize the situation. One moment his life had been hanging on an extremely thin thread, and now Ryuzaki confessed his attachment to Light regardless of the possibility of him being Kira. It was so utterly naïve and foolish, and yet Light felt something in him shifted.

 

Unsurely, almost shyly, he covered Ryuzaki`s hands with his own. A part of him wished he would never have to let go.

 

No, Light told himself. It was – what was it? Stupid sentiment? A moment of weakness? But, on the contrary, he`d never been so confident. Confident that Ryuzaki mattered to him. It was too late for cold-blooded hatred.

 

Ryuzaki`s palm moved higher, to his chest. Light knew Ryuzaki could feel his rushed heartbeat.

 

“You`re anxious,” he stated matter-of-factly. “Why, Light-kun? Because for a second you believed I`d kill you?”

 

“It`s more than that,” Light was internally screaming at himself to shut up but couldn`t stop telling the truth. “I didn`t expect you to… genuinely like me.”

 

“Why not?” Ryuzaki`s tone was almost teasing.

 

“You suspect me, right? I mean, even now I`m not sure your hand against my heart isn`t a technique to determine if I`m lying or not.”

 

“It could be,” Ryuzaki agreed thoughtfully and then suddenly laughed. Light could feel his body shaking with it.

 

“What?”

 

“Are you Kira?” whispered Ryuzaki into Light`s ear, leaning even closer – somehow that proved to be still possible.

 

For a full second Light stopped breathing, and the ground slipped from below his feet. He tried to gather himself and channel the emotion into anger rather than fear.

 

“Damn you, Ryuzaki! Did you have to ruin a moment like this?” he forced himself to laugh but it sounded dry and unnatural.

 

“You`re trembling.”

 

Light was about to tell him that it might have got something to do with Ryuzaki almost touching Light`s ear with his lips, and then break the embrace. Instead, he turned to face Ryuzaki and pressed their lips together. Ryuzaki breathed out in obvious shock, and Light deepened the kiss without giving him time to think, even slightly biting on the lower lip. He knew his actions practically screamed “take that, L!” but was past caring.

 

Apparently, so was Ryuzaki, because after a few seconds he began to kiss back with surprising passion. His tongue slid inside Light`s mouth, and Light, moaning quietly, grabbed Ryuzaki`s messy hair, cupped his face and responded with equal intensity. Ryuzaki`s hands seemed to be everywhere at once, caressing Light`s back and pulling at the hem of his shirt.

 

Light`s head started spinning, so eventually they parted, taking deep breathes in unison. Ryuzaki`s eyes shined with excitement and his lips were swollen from the kissing.

 

“If you were trying to distract me,” Ryuzaki finally regained the ability to speak, “you certainly succeeded.”

 

“So, no more questions about me being Kira?” Light was almost disappointed at how easy it turned out to be.

 

“I`m about to say a very strange thing, Light-kun,” Ryuzaki chuckled, putting his arms around Light`s neck.

 

“Go for it,” Light felt intrigued.

 

“I still think you might be Kira,” Light`s face probably showed utter disbelief, and Ryuzaki laughed at it. “But, right now, it won`t prevent me from doing this.”

 

Before Light could react in any way, he was drawn into another kiss and lost all ability to think logically. The moment he melted into Ryuzaki`s impatient touch, only one thing crossed Light`s mind.

 

_If L was able to love someone he suspected of being Kira, why in heaven and hell couldn`t Kira love L back?_


End file.
